Midway through recovery, things got clogged. I lost all my conditioned practices to an unknown aspiration. I was shown that there is still something lingering inside me I have yet to put my finger on.
I still know my goals though , every time I am tempted by my same old ways I begin to think, do I want to be a prisoner of my past, or a pioneer of my future. I am only 22 and so much more is about to happen and I have made a mind so inflexible of such an idea.
Far from what I once was, but not yet what I am going to be I’m in the process of my step two recovery. Marianne Willson a teacher from Houston puts so beautifully;
“There is a feeling of inner peace that comes from total relinquishment of judgement. We don’t feel the need to change others, and we don’t feel the need to be different than we are. We can see, for whatever reason, the total beauty of another person, and we feel that they can see the beauty in us as well.”
This will be my journey number Two.
Since returning home my running has transmogrified,
I think its the air, the scenery and most of all the petrichor. My runs have reached to 13.44 mile distances every time I decide to lace up my shoes and start running. My legs feel unfinished if it can’t get all it’s passion out.
I can’t believe I’m running distances that I thought I would never reach without stopping or by some magical potion. It brings me to a state of invincibility that I never could of found else where.
So whats next? maybe a half marathon…maybe its time to run with the hurried.
It’s been a while since I calendarized time to write here.
I have returned home to my beautiful Beaverton. I still have had my “days” even after returning, but the fire to concure this wraith is still burning. Why do I continue such a taboo behavior? I have yet to truly realize. I’m not intellectually disconnected with myself, if anything I would like to dare say I am. I audit my thoughts and reactions very frequently when a tourney takes place.
My mind is in shambles. I have yet to truly accept me for me, I find flaws constantly I have an inponderable list of justifications, how do they do it? The women and men who look past it, how do they do it?
How do I begin to begin the journey of contentment. I have many positive affiliations in my life, a great support system, an amazing boyfriend and an only dreamed about endurance. What could possibly be missing?
This atelophobia is bloodthirsty…
Boundless round the clock assessments. Flashbacks playing in rapid speeds, words put in centerpiece, it’s a disorder how far back in time I can go. But I’m in the works with controlling these untold reminiscences.
But today I found the person that still believes life is good.
I have decided to overcome these voices of olden weight by simply keeping life simple. As ‘duh’ as is sounds I choose this to be my next lily pad because I tend to linger in complications. I am taking a break and reversing lenses and going to be happy to be where I am right now. My other lenses may not swallow this pose, but I’m not wearing those lenses! It takes meeting people so opportunistic and positively powerful to make you see something.
Lets see what’s what on the other side!
My workouts have been reconstructed for the better.
Sprinting sure has been fun but I’ve been working on sliming down my legs and these past weeks I have actually noticed my legs getting bulkier. I already have strong legs and more width is not what I’m looking for personally.
So I have updated my workouts to aid slimming:
I decided to go with long distance running with little to zero resistance. I count time instead of miles for my workouts which have worked out great in my favor surprisingly. I do 1hour an a half minute workout runs and I am actually able to get 9.5 – 10 miles of road concurred within that time frame.
Changing my guidelines by focusing on a good constant pace for an hour and a half has helped me feel less tired through my run and much more relaxed.
I’ve been extrasolar for a few rationales. Emesis had accrued twice this past week and I am of two minds about it. I have healthy days and unwholesome days just as each of us. It’s so unthinkable how emesis can corrupt a mind so speedily. These moments are so deceiving to my two minded soul. I go in thinking I am doing what is fair and leave always feeling downhearted.
I have an exact locus of where I want to be and even though I am working en route of this, I guess I tend to fool myself otherwise by some means. I tie my thoughts into a vortex where any angle of progress is un-awarded. With emesis being my first rational my legs are my second even though I don’t want them to be.
I just get disappointed when my hard work to summon results don’t seem to make known of it. I can easily lose all grip with just a blink of an eye. I may not like the presentation of my legs I will admit that but my second soul can see them for more than that.
My legs have evolved from 3 mile gallops to an astonishing 10 mile dash. They have shown me I am capable of a 13 mile escapades. My legs have never failed me, they keep me running, they over power my mind (maybe that is why I have grown so fond of running) . My legs have shown more strength than my own self-has many times over. I want to be tranquil with this rational because from this perspective it is captivating. We are told young to never judge a book by its cover, but I guess I haven’t broken out of this perception. I don’t want to deem my legs vile when there is so much more to them.
Regardless of potholes in the roads, we sustain.
I woke up this morning with no desire to continue running (for the day), or to continue on this locus since I believed no progress was made. Seconds went by and luckily I convinced myself to get back out there.
Yeah people may see my legs as what my darkest self might see them as, but man…They are my rock, my long-lasting miracles.
My slumber has been off track for the past three months now, constantly awaked by 3:00 am’s nilch. I have been trying to try new hacks I read online but nothing has seemed to get me through the night soundly. I did happen to read vitamin B is a very important add-in supplement to treating insomnia, so I’ll take a stab at it.
Because if legends are true… I’d be star-crossed by my inamorato’s catch forty winks.